Guest Blogger: Review by Bella

Hey ghouls & ghoulettes!!

Every Monday this month, we're going to welcome a Guest Blogger to Book ♥ Soulmates.

This week we asked Bella from Obsessed! to share one of her outrageously funny and SNARKtacular book reviews!!  {I ♥ this chick}

Disclaimer:  Bella has a very distinctive style of reviewing which we happen to find funny & entertaining.  She has never insulted or disrespected an author or their credibility - she is, however, brutally honest!

She chose to review "A Rush of Wings" by Adrian Phoenix

NO MOAR!!! :o

I can has N.O. M.O.A.R. !!!!!!

*throws fail book on floor*

*jumps on it*

*WaR CrY (!)*

OMG! This book is so F.R.E.A.K.I.N.G. boring and clichéd and uninteresting and stupid and convoluted and predictable and DID I MENTION BORING?! I read about 150 pages ... reluctantly ... hell, you can't say I didn't give it a chance ... skimmed through another 200 ... then declared the past few hours of my life *Time Thoroughly Wasted*.

I'm so *ANNOYED* now. L0L.

This novel ... okay ...

I'm a S.U.C.K.E.R. for hottie rockers ... BUT ... they have to be believable fgs ... Dante, vamp-beauty extraordinaire and unimaginatively named front man for ... can you guess (?) ... *bored* ... Inferno ... Dante's Inferno ... yes, we are so daft that we need this spelled out for us, since we are obviously too freaking stupid to pick up on it ourselves ... insult our intelligence some more, please ... anywayz0rs ... we have Dante (and his Inferno) ... and ALL the Goths in New Orleans (male / female / both at the same time :o) literally *throwing* themselves at his - - - ... ahem ... right, where were we? ... What is it about Dante? you ask ... well, duh, he is just so freaking beautiful and perfect and otherworldly and, hell, he has a bondage collar permanently fastened around his neck (:o) ... and, lest we forget, Dante is just so freaking humble ... wondering why he is so revered amongst said Goths, yet making out with them ALL ... as Heather notes, where other people would shake hands, he kisses. o0o0okkkaaaayy. As far as I can tell, this would take anything special out of locking lips with him, but NO! He is awesomeness incarnate and still manages to turn Heather's insides to mush and her legs to jelly and ... *insert cliché of choice*. The fact that he has no personality to speak of and seems to spend most of his time acting like a bratty teenager is completely irrelevant ... of course ... because, weren't you listening, he's beautiful!

Excuse me while I *puke*.

As for Heather ... or rather, Special Agent FAIL ... I find it highly unlikely that someone this freaking moronic would be working for the FBI ... please ... she doesn't even notice that her gun's magazine has been thieved by klepto serial-killer dude. Otherwise, I don't actually have anything else to say about her ... and she is the main character ... at least, I think she is ... the story jumps around through every single damn person's point of view for several paragraphs at a time that, not only do you not get to find out anything much in particular about any one character, or get into the story at all, but you become dizzy and nauseous, and ultimately find that you just don't care and want nothing more than to *burn book*.

It REALLY doesn't help that the constantly changing perspective means that, right from the very beginning, you know exactly who the serial killer / other bad-guy / other bad-guy / other bad-guy / etc is (yeah, nothing like removing ANY possible suspense!) ... which puts you, oh, only about one freaking million steps ahead of the novel's characters ... who, by the way, are so incredibly smart that, although they continuously catch the villains at their villainy and at one point even have one knocked out on the floor of Dante's (Lucien's (?)) house, they are all about the "hmmm, who could be stalking you, Dante?" *scratches side of head*. UGH. Eventually, after more government cover-up whatever and Evil Scientist blah blah than I could take, and the experiments "E" and "S" of the "Bad Seed" project (omg, I kid you not o.O), I completely gave up on the plot and skimmed through to find out whether Heather and Dante ever hook up (since he seems to do it with practically everyone else, lol) ... yes, they do ... somewhere along the line, Heather goes from *noting that Dante is incredibly beautiful* to *screw professionalism, screw ME* ... no developing feelings, no nothing ... that would take entirely far too much time away from the masses of P.L.O.T. that needs to be painstakingly dragged out so that we are tearing at our hair and just barely refraining from having a total meltdown.

*deep breath*

Oh yeah, let's talk lack of originality a little more ... Dante (Lucien (?)) owns a club called Club Hell, situated at ... wait for it ... number 666 of whatever street it's on (I couldn't be bothered to page through the book to find out). Also, how ANNOYING is it that there's so much FRENCH sprinkled throughout the story ... *grrr* ... sure, there's a glossary at the back ... apparently ... (I wasn't about to skip to the end to search for one, I only know this from reading some other people's reviews) ... had I known of its existence, I highly doubt I'd have utilised it anyway ... how much more aggravating would this book be if you actually resorted to looking up the meaning of, at times, every second sentence?

I could go on, but ... tbh ... I'd rather go watch MasterChef.

RATING: 0/5 ... there's no nice way to put it, this book is THE FAIL.

So there you have it folks!  Bella's rant *ahem* review of A Rush of Wings. 

Feel free to check out many more of her reviews {both good and bad} on Obsessed!